This isn’t a gluten-free food post but it is very much food related. This is also a pic free post so if you’re bothered by words you’ll probably want to stop here. I’ve provided a cliff notes version at the end. 😉
Today I’m going to take a little break from food pics because I want to address my life long body issues…food…and how it relates to this blog.
Since I started the blog in May I continue to receive the occasional email (supposedly from different people) with the same overall message.
I use too much butter / sugar /cream in my recipes.
I’m encouraging others to do the same.
The blog would be more popular if I’d just do (fill in the blank with something the writer considers healthy).
Don’t I have a responsibility to my readers?
Don’t I know that most people with celiac also can’t have corn?
And my personal fav…tips on how to make my recipes more ‘healthy’. To which I politely say…no thank you. 🙂
Let me get this out-of-the-way right off the bat. I do not have a responsibility to show y’all anything more than what I feel like sharing on any given day. That’s all this blog is. One woman’s documentation of her personal journey living with celiac and lupus.
Do most celiacs have a reaction to corn? I don’t know. It seems like a pretty sweeping generalization to me. What I do know is that this isn’t the blog of ‘most’ celiacs. It’s the blog of one celiac who isn’t going to eliminate anything more than she has to eliminate. It’s hard enough living gluten-free in this world…why should I be expected to make it harder than it has to be just because I blog my food?
I’ve written a little bit about my current views on food before but let’s go back to the beginning.
Prior to a lengthy period of disordered food issues I was a chunky / awkward child. Never obese just overweight according to the charts. But this was the 70’s / early 80’s so compared to my peers (and my sister) I felt downright huge. Place my childhood body in with a mix of kids today and I would look out-of-place for the opposite reason.
The summer before 5th grade my grandma took us shopping in a larger town. We spent time with family members and one night at bedtime a cousin was begging for some ice cream. Right in front of me an adult said to her…the words that will forever haunt me…
“Do you want to be fat like her?”
I’m sure y’all know where this is heading.
As an adult you have the life experience to see the whole exchange as just an adult projecting their own issues onto you…but as a child?
You. Are. Devastated.
I cried myself to sleep that night and went on the first of many ‘diets’ when I got home. I started FIFTH grade that year. Fifth grade, y’all. Mama Lupiac would send me a full lunch and I’d eat the slice of cheese off the sandwich and drink whatever drink she sent and throw the rest away. I lost so much weight by Christmas that I got my first pair of skin-tight girly jeans…lalic Victoria Vanderbilt…the IT jeans that year. I remember it like it was yesterday.
In seventh grade I refused to eat at school. Because I thought everyone would be looking at the gross girl eating too much food. I almost passed out one day and the school nurse was going to call Mama L to come get me but I told her she was out shopping with our neighbor. She gave me some water and an ice pack and sent me back to class.
Every single day of 9th grade I ate dry toast with an egg for breakfast. And 4 plain strips of chicken breast plus about a half a cup of mashed potatoes when I got home from school. Every. Single. Day. 9th grade was also the year I discovered running bleachers. Hello negative calorie balance for the day. But I was wearing skinny designer Guess jeans so all was right with the world.
My sophomore year of college I was taking EIGHT Ephedra tablets a day. At the same time. And came this close to buying them from the trunk of a car when they were later banned. 😦
That was my life for 20+ years (until the Lupus). Starving and working out for months…followed by months of overeating.
Periods of unhealthy thinness mixed in with periods of what to me seemed repulsive hugeness.
Because in those words…”Do you want to be fat like her?”…all my 5th grade mind really heard was “Do you want to be ugly like her?”.
The reality was…until the lupus / steroid weight gain I’d never been obese. Overweight? Yes. Obese? Not once. But yet when I looked in the mirror all I saw was circus freak-show huge. Looking at pics as I’ve pulled old pics for the blog…I can see now just how truly disordered I was in the head.
How much of my young life was wasted believing I was nothing more than a repulsive cow. 😦 I could sing. Bake. Craft. None of that mattered the second I looked in a mirror.
I wrote about my current views on food before so I won’t rehash all of that here except to say that I am finally at peace with food and with my body. Would I like to be a size negative zero…or whatever the lowest number is now? Sure. Am I ever going to strive for that again? Never. As long as I don’t have to shop in the plus sizes and my Dr’s are fine with my food related blood results…I am never going back to a restrictive mindset. I can’t go back and tell my sad little 5th grade self that she wasn’t worthless but I’ll be damned if I’ll ever allow my adult self to feel that way over a number on a tag…or on a metal hunk o’ junk (the scale) …or yes even on a copious amount of butter. 🙂
Everyone has to find their own way though food and body issues. My heart goes out to you if you’re still working on your own path but please do not project your issues onto me or the blog content. If my blog content is triggering for you or if you think your arteries are going to clog just looking at my pics then you probably shouldn’t look at them.
I don’t mean that in a smart @ss way either. If my food is triggering you in any way…life is way too short for that and there are a million fat-free / ‘healthy’ living blogs out there. 🙂
Take what you can use and / or enjoy from this space and leave the rest. I’ve worked thru my issues and I am never going back. 🙂
Cliff Notes Version…butter is super-duper delicious. 😉
Pics and Christmas cookies will return tomorrow or Wed. 🙂
Hope y’all had a nice weekend and are staying safe and warm. 🙂